We’ve all dealt with passive aggressiveness—that is, a hostile attitude combined with the avoidance of direct communication, like when someone is upset about something but won’t admit to it. Honestly, most of us ourselves have been, at times, passive aggressive with others. And yet most of us would also agree that it’s an unhelpful behavior, one that fails to remedy the problem and only further aggravates the situation.
While passive aggressiveness certainly haunts interpersonal relationships, it’s also quite damaging to business ones. According to a Wikipedia article on the subject, “Passive-aggressive behavior is characterized by a habitual pattern of non-active resistance to expected work requirements, opposition, sullenness, stubbornness, and negative attitudes in response to requirements for normal performance levels expected by others.” The article goes on to say that, “Most frequently it occurs in the workplace, where resistance is exhibited by indirect behaviors such as procrastination, forgetfulness, and purposeful inefficiency, especially in reaction to demands by authority figures…”
Why Are People This Way?
To quote Matt Damon’s character, Colin Sullivan, in The Departed, “If we’re not gonna make it, it’s gotta be you that gets out, ’cause I’m not cable. I’m ****ing Irish. I’ll deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life.”
Author Justin Bariso, writing for Inc. Magazine, explains that the origin of passive-aggressive behavior is actually rooted “in a good thing: the desire to avoid conflict.” While we’ve all met people who seem to enjoy confrontation, most of us would rather not deal with that kind of headache. The problem is that this attempt at conflict avoidance does not really result in any progress: instead, it prolongs the conflict because it refuses to face it head-on.
It takes courage to speak out, sure, but it also takes good judgement.
Taking Command
Bariso continues by telling us that we have to use “emotional intelligence—the ability to understand manage emotions—” to overcome passive aggressiveness. Mostly importantly, we have to “Attack the problem. Not the person.”
And that’s the fundamental, hard truth: passive-aggressive behavior is a tactic that actually attacks the person, not the problem. Through sullenness, stubbornness, and any other negative attitudes, we’re taking out our frustrations on each other rather than sparing anyone grief.
Instead, we have to confront problems directly by remembering that other people can’t read our minds. If something’s wrong, we have to say so for their sakes.
Emotionally Intelligent Language
Of course, when we confront a problem, we should do so with tact. After all, the very reason most of us shy away from conflict is that we want to avoid hurt feelings. Bariso continues his article by offering some examples of “active communication,” the kind that is empathetic and patient. Here are a few:
- “‘I don’t like feeling pressured to do this.’
- “‘I need more notice. It’s important for me to plan things like this.’
- “‘Can you please ask me before making this type of decision?’”
The objective is to state clearly what your concern or frustration is, but to do so in a way that’s polite and recognizes that the other person may be oblivious to your discomfort. Remember Hanlon’s razor, which tell us to “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” To be kinder, do not assume bad intentions when ignorance is just as likely.
All of this works the same, whether we are the ones guilty of passive-aggressiveness, or someone else is.
Top-Down Reform
To better manage communication within your own business—and to hopefully avoid unproductive conflicts stemming from passive-aggressive behavior—leadership has to take an active role in setting the right example. Managers have to be open, honest, and emotionally intelligent in their communication, and they have to be ready to intercept passivity when it takes root in their subordinates.
The best way to ensure your managers have the skills they need to lead effectively, consider working with us at The Brandt Group. We not only offer industry-leading leadership training courses, we also offer best-in-class employee feedback surveys so that you can learn where your staff’s pain points are so that you can face those challenges head-on. If you’re ready to take charge, reach out today!
