By Ayesha Ashley – Brandt Group National Trainer
And they’re not talking to each other effectively! The way we make decisions determines if we’re a Thinker or a Feeler. If you use your head, are logical and trust principles and reason to create justice and consequences for ‘bad behavior’, then you’re a THINKER. MOST MEN (66%) ARE THINKERS and our culture encourages this behavior in men.
If you use your heart to look at how a decision will affect other people’s lives/feelings first, and value mercy over justice, then you’re a FEELER. MOST WOMEN (66%) ARE FEELERS and our culture encourages this behavior in women.
Yes, there is a basis for some of the stereotypes that ‘men don’t listen’ and women are manipulative’.
AND 1/3 of each gender has the opposite policy: THINKER WOMEN are often told they ‘think like a man’ and FEELER MEN often have more rapport with women, who feel that ‘he gets it’!
Why is this an issue both in everyday life at home and at work?
These two types don’t believe the other one’s criterion is the right one for making a decision!
If you’re a Feeler married to/working for/with a Thinker, and you get upset about something, the Thinker will be waiting for you to get over your feelings so you can discuss the problem reasonably.
STRATEGY FOR FEELERS: Talk over your feelings with a trusted friend (NOT a colleague at work!!) OR take a ‘time out’ until you can make a list of the FACTS involved….THEN calm down enough to present your list to your Thinker. Imagine you are trying a case in court—make sure your facts are clear. If you can’t present it in a calm way, sleep on it! Wait until you can see and present the situation with more perspective and can say how you would solve the problem instead of venting.
If you’re a Thinker, the Feeler is looking for some signs of caring and empathy to show that you value them.
STRATEGY FOR THINKERS: You need to realize that the Feeler’s feelings should be considered an important factor in any assessment you make about a situation. Just as you want your reasons to be heard and respected, they want their feelings to be heard and respected. They don’t want to be judged as ‘hysterical’ when they’re upset, just as you probably don’t want to be thought of as ‘cold, selfish and uncaring’.
How does this impact you in the workplace?
Frequently, because of the nature of business, bosses and supervisors (whether male or female) tend to be Thinkers and expect their subordinates to be ‘calm and rational’ when dealing with problematic situations in the workplace, even though many of their subordinates are Feelers.
Here are some STRATEGIES that can make interactions smoother: FEELERS: please realize that NO AMOUNT OF EMOTION CAN POSSIBLY CONVINCE A THINKER TO CHANGE HIS /HER MIND. They’re just waiting for you to calm down. They’re listening for facts and principles, which are the ONLY things that will enable them to make a ‘logical’ decision. AND they are looking for SOLUTIONS, not problems—if you can calm down enough to present them with a list of HOW YOU WOULD SOLVE THE PROBLEM THAT MADE YOU UPSET they will appreciate it, be able to ‘hear’ you better and respect you for your ‘cool-headedness under stress’.
THINKERS: please realize that NO ROSTER OF ‘REASONABLE’, LOGICAL PRINCIPLES CAN CHANGE A FEELER’S MIND. They just think you’re rationalizing and that you don’t care about or respect them or their point of view. They’re listening for signs that you can understand their point of view and are not dismissing it, which is what they need in order to feel ‘heard’ (respected and valued) by you. If you can listen without judgment and then ask them WHAT THEY WOULD RATHER SEE HAPPEN, you will help them to create a solution rather than dwell on the problem. They will appreciate it and see you as a caring boss that earns their loyalty.
It takes some practice, but once you understand the strategy, it can work for you—at home or at work.
Try it—you’ll like how much more smoothly your communications go!
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